Our Current Story

This past year I have been pretty bad about writing on my blog. (Something I’m hoping to get back into a rhythm of.) So let me catch you up to speed. The last few years have been such a roller coaster for my family and I. We had been struggling at our previous ministry position for several years and in the summer of 2021 we were convinced that we were needing a change. Since 2018 our eyes had been opening to the lack of integrity, emotional manipulation, and what we are now aware enough and brave enough to call spiritual abuse that had been taking place in our church. 

Our pastor at the time consistently demonstrated a lack of integrity with his words. When one of us on staff confronted him about it he would often say things such as “those were just words, they didn’t mean anything” or “I don’t remember saying that.” He was also really good at talking his way around whatever we would bring to his attention. Many people saw right through his lies and would wind up leaving the church. Over a dozen families have left over the years and have consistently said that he is a liar and manipulator. When we would bring these things up to him he always had an explanation or a way to talk around them. And to my fault, I did not do enough follow-up with these families to confirm or clarify what happened. I wasn’t involved in those situations and I wanted to support my pastor. But when this started happening with families that we had led to the Lord and discipled, our eyes started to open. We were involved in these situations. We saw the lies and manipulation, despite our best efforts to prevent it.

My wife, who was on part-time staff, was increasingly becoming uncomfortable working for our pastor, so in the spring of 2020, she decided to quit working. After looking at our personal budget we realized we couldn’t really afford to take the loss in pay so I asked if I could get a raise that would reflect what she was making since I was the one who took over all of her responsibilities when she left. And since I hadn’t received a raise in two years, I didn’t feel it was out of line to ask. Our pastor gave me the raise but made it clear that it might be temporary, that I would be making more than he was, and that with an increase in pay came an increase in expectations in job performance. (Later I learned that he was making more than 3 times what I was. At our annual business meeting one of the deacons got up and apologized to the other staff member and myself for the little we had been paid. The deacons were unaware of how much we were making despite their repeated attempts at trying to find out.)

Later during the summer of 2020, I was aware that his marriage was struggling, but all he told me was that he had been too controlling early in his marriage and now he was paying for it. I was often straightforward with him and told him that if he was a bad husband for years, it might take years to make it right. I also regularly recommended that he take a prolonged sabbatical so he could focus on his marriage and because the church needed a healthy pastor. From what I was told, several other pastors were recommending the same thing. He told me on several occasions that he was trying to figure out what an effective sabbatical would look like and that was the reason for him not taking one yet. On one or two occasions I asked him if there was any sexual sin taking place. When a couple is going through a difficult season in their marriage sexual sin often rears its ugly head. He assured me that nothing like that was happening. 

At the beginning of December 2020, my wife and I found out we had a miscarriage. The Wednesday we found out our baby had no heartbeat, I was supposed to fill in for one of our small group leaders because they were out of town. We were crushed and there was no way I could fill in. Sarah told me I needed to ask our pastor to fill in, but I had no desire to tell him. I did not want him to be one of the first people I told we lost our child. But I did. After he agreed to fill in for me, he told me that the timing of this would work out well for him. He could fill in for me and told me to fill in for him by preaching that Sunday morning so he could go to Las Vegas and celebrate his birthday. I got up into the pulpit that Sunday and preached while my wife was at home fearful she might pass the baby’s body at home. In hindsight, I should have reached out to someone in the church and been at home. But I remember thinking I can’t tell anyone because of how that would make our pastor look. I was so foolish. 

I was preaching more and more and filling in for our pastor’s other responsibilities because he was increasingly becoming absent from his role. He was becoming more involved with a network of church’s and seemed to have one or two other side jobs. He would often talk about “side hustles” and other ways to make even more money. My wife had several complications from the miscarriage that led to her being on bed rest for nearly three months and we were burnt out. We were being used. 

During the month of May 2021, he preached a sermon on depression and told the church about our sabbatical plans. (He was taking off June and July. Sarah and I were going to take off July.) During that sermon, he also talked about how depressed he was, his struggle with adrenal fatigue, and how hard his life was and he used other people’s difficulties, including our miscarriage as reasons for his depression. “His life and responsibilities were so hard because we had a miscarriage.” That was the moment we decided something had to change. We felt like he was using our loss to manipulate people into feeling sorry for him. 

When he announced the sabbaticals to the church he said he would be back in August, ready to go, and jump into an exciting season of ministry. But he had privately told me he may need to take off August as well. When I confronted him about lying to our church by saying he would be back and ready to go in August, he said he didn’t remember saying that and that if he did, they were just words that didn’t mean anything. Before we left for our time off in July, we had been told by another staff member that he mentioned he might resign when he got back. This was news to me. I had no idea he was considering resigning. So when we went on our sabbatical during July, we were ready for a break but had no idea of what we were going to come back to. 

Now, as I said earlier, my wife had been wanting to leave for years. But it took me longer. (Side note, guys listen. to. your. wives.)The thought of leaving with no where to go was scary. If we left, what would people think? Who could we talk to about this? We didn’t want to hurt the church. (FYI, calling out abuse doesn’t hurt the church. Abuse hurts the church. Speaking the truth doesn’t ruin the reputation of the church. Abuse hurts the reputation of the church. And if we care more about the church’s reputation than we do people who have been abused we are missing the whole point.) All of these excuses were keeping me grounded in fear. But in the summer of 2021 we were at a breaking point. 

So we met with close friends and shared our struggle. We were scared. But something had to change. After sharing and praying we decided during our time away that if our pastor didn’t resign after our time off we would finish out the year and then step away. We were so depleted emotionally and spiritually that we just could not continue working for him. We weren’t going to make a fuss, we were just going to quietly fade out. Then the scandal hit. 

One Friday evening during our July sabbatical we found out that our pastor had an open marriage and his wife had an affair. Not knowing we were aware, he called me the next morning to tell me he was going to meet with the deacons to tell them he was resigning. I then asked him if he was going to tell them about the affair and he said no. He told the deacons that he was thinking about resigning but that it was not due to any sin. He then left and ran away to the other side of the country. So we left our sabbatical that same day to come back to Fresno to tell the Deacons and staff what had actually happened and the truth about his resignation. The next Sunday the executive board made the church statement and as a church, we tried to begin putting the pieces back together. It was clear the previous pastor would need help putting the pieces of his life back together, but it was also clear that our church was not the place for that to happen. We had our own healing to do. 

In the Fall of 2021, he began counseling at a church in Kansas. After speaking with the pastor of that church, and the counselor who was working directly with him, I was encouraged. It seemed like he was being honest about what happened, this church was putting firm boundaries in place and was helping him. The Pastor at this church told me that my previous pastor should never be back in ministry, but instead should pursue secular work and focus on his family. With that being said, he was hopeful that his marriage would make it. They had worked to get him several interviews at a company in town and it looked like they might move to Kansas. 

In December, our previous pastor met with the leadership of the church and openly confessed to having an open marriage and having sensual relationships with a woman who was not his wife. But he also wanted to clarify several things and that he never condoned his wife’s affair. (As if an open marriage didn’t contribute to that.) The simple fact that he was seeking to clarify and fix his reputation because of internet rumors while trying to apologize was a red flag to me and demonstrated a lack of humility and I told him as much. What he was admitting was bad enough. But the stated goal of the meeting was that we would graciously end our relationship with him and he would officially end his relationship with us. 

Because of the pattern of lying and manipulation, we decided it would be best that this meeting take place with the leadership and another third-party pastor to provide support. In our minds, he had lost the privilege of standing on the platform and speaking to the church. The meeting was supposed to close the book on this whole ordeal so that we as a church could move forward and heal and so he could do the same with his family. He knew that this was the goal and agreed to it. The meeting itself was incredibly civil, gracious, and kind. And while we wanted his confession to be real and we hoped it was a sign of genuine repentance, we had been fooled too many times to simply take his words at face value. We wanted to give the situation time to see if his words and actions were real. Unfortunately, we soon discovered they were not. 

Instead of remaining in a church where he was known and getting help, he moved to a different state. He did not honor his agreement to end his relationship with the church. He repeatedly watched and interacted with our services online and reached out to people in the church. After hearing about him reaching out to someone who had recently joined in membership, I emailed him to tell him this was not what we agreed to and was out of line. There was no reason for it whatsoever. He then showed up at a funeral at our church completely unannounced. When he was confronted about why he was there, he said he had been personally invited. When pressed, he said he in fact only saw a Facebook post about it. He was then asked to leave and was escorted out of the building. His presence would only rip open wounds that were just starting to heal. While he was being escorted out he tried to say that everything that was said about him was a lie. The fact that he chose a funeral to show up and seek to justify himself and lie about his intentions was so disheartening and unfortunately was very revealing about the condition of his heart. He then went to lunch with a church member that same day and told them that he had attended the funeral and that the funeral was great and did not tell this individual that he had actually been asked to leave before it even began. To blatantly lie to a church member about the situation demonstrated that the only person he was considering was himself. Many of us were still pursuing healing and for him to show up, uninvited and unannounced, when he agreed not to, was out of line and flat-out wrong. It was yet another breach of the agreement we made in December. It was another demonstration of a narcissistic attitude that only thinks about itself and its image.

His LinkedIn page is also incredibly misleading and contains several flat-out lies. (You can see a screenshot below.) For example, he never wrote a book and the church never had 10 employees at one time. He says that he was voted in by 37 adults and that the church grew to have high days of over 500. First of all, the number of people who voted for him is not an accurate representation of the size of the church at the time. And while it is true that we have had one or two high-days of that amount, our yearly average was never close to being that high during the 13.5 years he was the pastor. During that time our average yearly attendance would fluctuate between 200 and 270. (It has been considerably less since 2020.) To paint a picture that he swooped in and saved the church is arrogant and misleading. He also says the church went from a few thousand dollars in the bank to nearly a million by the time he left. The reason for that is the church sold land that they had purchased BEFORE he was the pastor. The church sacrificed and purchased those assets before his arrival. The simple fact that he would even put the church’s name down on any resume is shocking. Social media posts have also revealed a desire to clear his name and have not demonstrated a spirit of humility or brokenness over his sin. From what we can see there is a continual pattern of deceit, manipulation, and narcissism. To be plain, it’s spiritually abusive.

As we moved through each of these situations we tried our best to discern what needed to be dealt with and what didn’t. There was one situation that, after speaking with the executive board, I left alone. Another, I tried to deal with as discreetly and graciously as possible. I spoke with the pastor in Kansas who he initially got help from and he still affirms that our previous pastor has disqualified himself from vocational ministry and that he should be seeking work in the secular field. 1 Timothy 3 makes it plain that a pastor must be the husband of one wife. The Greek here means “a one-woman man.” The fact that he had an open marriage disqualifies him from pastoral ministry. One could also make the argument that his open marriage was an indicator that he was not managing his house well. (Vs. 4-5) The unethical way he handled the church finances clearly shows that he was not managing the household of God well. (These details were discussed at our annual business meeting in January 2022.) We could not affirm him being restored into vocational church leadership. We pray that he is genuinely restored to God and his family. But never vocational ministry. To do so would be to affirm a spiritually abusive person overseeing the flock of God and would be wrong. And since he consistently did not honor his agreement with the leadership of the church to end the relationship and graciously separate from us so he can move forward and so we can move forward, we took more decisive action. 1 Corinthians 5 is clear that we must not associate with someone who is living an unrepentant lifestyle. His continual lies, self-promotion, and complete lack of humility demonstrate a lack of real repentance and so that was our biblical course of action. We decided that we would no longer associate with him. 

And while this may seem harsh, I believe it is in fact an act of love. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 5 that this separation may be the very thing that causes a person to repent. To ignore our former pastor’s sin is a sin itself. Grace does not allow for sin. (Romans 6:1-2) To ignore it also hinders the witness of the church. If the church allows spiritually abusive behavior to go unchecked how can we posture ourselves to be a place people can find healing? Entire denominations are reeling because abusive pastors hop from church to church and leave a path of destruction behind them. We would not be a part of that.

Much was revealed after we communicated all this to our church. Many told us we shouldn’t say anything. Others said we were being judgmental. “We just needed to ‘give it to God.’” “We should be able to forgive him and get over it.” Not everyone responded this way of course. Many people were empathetic to our hurt. For many, it was their hurt too. But we began to realize that the environment we were in was hindering our healing. We had too much healing to do ourselves to be able to lead the church to health. We realized how much confusion, immaturity, and lack of emotional/spiritual health there was and realized we had nothing to give. If we were going to be true to ourselves, honest about the situation, and respectful to the church, we had to leave. So, despite being unanimously voted in as the pastor, I resigned. Here is what I told the church. 

Good morning everyone,

This morning we are not going to be working through Romans because I want to take a few moments and be as honest and transparent as I can be about where I am at.

A few weeks ago on a Wednesday evening I did a short devotional from Psalm 88 talking about the importance of being honest of where we are at spiritually or emotionally. 

Psalm 88 is like many Psalms in that the writer is very honest about the state he is in. But it’s unlike other Psalms in that it never gets better. 

Most Psalms end on a note of faith but Psalm 88 doesn’t. 

It simply ends with the statement: “Darkness is my only friend.”

The point I made in the devotional is that God is not afraid of the dark so it’s okay and even beneficial to be honest with God and others about our struggles. 

In fact, it’s crucial in order to experience healing. 

Too many times people are quick to rush past or ignore hurt and all that does is give that hurt room to fester and grow. 

Over the last year myself and my family have done our best to work towards being honest, we have gone to professional counseling, and worked towards healing. 

When I accepted the position of pastor last October, we believed that we would be able to heal and start a new chapter here in Fresno. 

We were aware of some of the challenges that we were facing and that the church was facing, but that didn’t stop us from jumping in.

However, given the circumstances of the last month and a half we have realized that our own personal hurt ran much deeper than we realized. 

At the beginning of June I emailed an update and statement to the church about recent events that had taken place and much of the hurt that my wife and I had personally experienced over the years and how I believed the church should move forward. 

In my mind the Scriptural process for moving forward is clear and I still stand by that statement. 

However, the events that led to the necessities of that statement being made and the response to that statement revealed that there is still a lot of hurt, confusion, and misunderstanding in the church as well.

We began to realize that what the church would need in order to heal and move forward we would not be able to give, due to our own hurt and need for healing. 

All of the stress we have experienced the last several years have begun to affect me physically. 

I have had a few panic attacks since December, but recently I have also began experiencing consistent heart burn and chest pain due to the anxiety and stress. 

My doctor recommended I work with a cardiologist who I have seen a few times over the last 2 months. 

On Father’s Day I had a panic attack during the singing right before I got up to preach. 

Just the thought of preaching right now, causes me stress and anxiety in unhealthy ways. 

The stress has also been affecting me at home as well. 

I am consistently short-tempered, or emotionally unavailable with my children. 

Because Sarah and I are emotionally and mentally depleted we fear that it’s only a matter of time before our marriage begins to suffer as well. 

Proverbs 22:3

A sensible person sees danger and takes cover, but the inexperienced keep going and are punished.

It has become clear to us that healing for our family needs to take place outside of Fresno. 

It has also become clear to us that it is in the best interest of the church to seek a Pastor who can help the church navigate towards healing without the level of hurt that we have. 

A lamb who has been chewed up by a wolf cannot serve as a shepherd.  

A drowning person cannot serve as a lifeguard. And right now we are drowning. 

So today will be our last Sunday here at Fresno Church. 

This group of people has been our church family for 12.5 years. 

Many of you we are just getting to know and others we have known for years, if not the entire time we have been here. 

Please know that this decision was not made lightly, with ease, or without council. 

Please know that we are not running away from our problems, but rather we are removing ourselves from the continual and ongoing situation so that we can focus on our problems to the degree we need to in order to heal. 

The good God did and the difficulties we have experienced here will always be a part of our story and we understand that this move will in no way erase any of that. 

But the honest reality is that much of our lives have been filled with church hurt, even outside of the situation here. 

Many of you know my story about the situation with my dad. 

For those of you who don’t know, my dad was a pastor for much of my life growing up and a little over 11 years ago he took his life because he had been involved in immoral and illegal sin. 

After he took his life I found out that his immoral sin had been a pattern in his life for decades. 

My wife also experienced abuse in another church that was completely mishandled. 

I understand that every pastor goes through difficult times and that the job is never easy, even under good circumstances. 

But this is deeper than just a difficult season. 

This is years and years of hurt inside the church, much of which I outlined in the previously mentioned statement I sent out to the church. 

So given everything that we have gone through, the best thing for myself, as well as my family, is to pursue a fresh start that will begin with simply being a part of a church, sitting under God’s Word, instead of leading a church.

I would also like to say that this does not erase all of the work that has been accomplished over the last 10 months. 

The elevated focus on God’s Word, expository preaching, our church’s statement of faith, outlining and defining church membership, as well as a growing focus on missions, all of that is bigger than me. 

That’s what Fresno Church believe’s based on God’s Word. 

2 Timothy 3:14

But as for you, continue in what you have learned and firmly believed.

We believe the Holy Spirit of God was leading in the steps the church has taken. 

And as difficult as it is, we also believe the Spirit of God is leading in our move. 

Like we can see in Psalm 88, God is not afraid of the dark. But we also know that Psalm 88 is not the entire story. 

As long as we are still breathing, God is still working. 

Now I know many may have questions about this and we all have people that we typically go to ask those questions. 

But I want to let you know that myself and Sarah are more than willing to answer any questions you may have. 

What I am telling you is what I told our deacons, staff, and several people one on one in the church.

While today is our last official Sunday, we will be available for the next week or two if anyone wants to get together. 

We would welcome the opportunity to say a more personal goodbye to anyone that would desire it. 

Thank you so much for your understanding as we navigate through this. 

Currently, we are living in Arizona and working towards healing. God has been so good to us these last few months. A very real part of me would love to be back in ministry, but right now I am happy to just be sitting in a church, letting God shepherd me back to health. 

Below is a screenshot of his Linkedin as of June 11, 2022.